Almost 2 months ago, on Christmas Eve I wrote a journal full of new New Year's resolutions, excitement and hope for a better future, I actually felt like I knew what I wanted in life and how to do it, but now?... I don't think so. The picture that I drew in my mind is getting kind of unclear and blurry and it makes me feel so frustrated and helpless and fucking angry with myself!!! How could I let the things to go this far, to the point I don't know what to do, where to begin fixing them??? So I decided to start over.
I'm failing at college. So I decided to take a break until the fall to figure some things out, things like "Do I really want to be a programmer?"
or "Can I do this? Can I dedicate my whole life to something I'm not even passionate about?"
. Yes, my current job is awful and I want to quit it as fast as possible, but to do this I need to insure my future first - to get a diploma, but to do this I need to figure out what I want to do with my life, where do I see myself in the future and would I be happy doing what I'm learning to do? It will make me secure financially, but happy?... I don't think so. And my happiness was always kinda important to me.
There's another problem with starting again - if I'll choose another major, I'll have to start from the beginning, which means that I just wasted 2 years of my life and lots of money, 'cause education is very expensive in Israel.
I also decided to have some fun (something I haven't have for a long time, thanks to college) and travel. I'm planning to go to visit Germany this summer with my friend. First we wanted to come in June to Rock Am Ring festival, but then I found out that Rammstien is going on the tour this summer and with them being one of my most favorite bands ever, that was enough for me to change all my plans.
I felt miserable for so long, bitter and unhappy with my choices, so I decided to do what I love. I watch more movies, I actually go to the cinema at least twice a month, I watch and then rewatch my favorite TV shows (Have you seen "Teen Wolf"?! It's amazing, it has on of the best characters I've ever seen on TV. To those who haven't seen my latest drawings, I'm talking about Dylan O'Brien as Stiles Stilinski) whenever I want. I go out with my friends almost every week. I finally feel alive.
I don't know what's the point of this Journal, I swear I don't. It started really gloomy and depressing, but in the end I do admit having fun. Maybe this is how I avoid important decisions that will determinate my life, I keep telling myself that I still have time to make my mind about what's right and wrong for me, but if I'm being honest with myself, 7 months is not that long and before I'll blink my eye the time will fly and I still won't know what to do. Does it make any sense?
I know that I just rumbling at this point, but it always makes me feel better when I talk/write about things that's worrying me and I don't feel like this is something I can tell to my friends and family - they judge me and my decisions enough without them knowing all this shit. I feel bad enough without them trying to belittle me, while telling me how to live my life. I love them, and I know that they want the best for me, but sometimes they're just too much to bear...