It's been almost a year since my last entry, and I think I have a really good reason for writing it.
Today is quite special day for me, cause tonight I finally felt something.
Sounds pretty easy - to feel. I wouldn't say so. And it's not that I was depressed or something, not at all. I had a pretty good year: I went abroad to Germany for 2 weeks, I cleaned my head before going back to college after a year of absence. I watched many movies and TV series, went to cinema at least once or twice a month, went out with friends for a beer almost every week. Just enjoyed my life at it fullest.
It all felt good, but nothing of it felt right.
I just couldn't feel anything.
Love? No. Jealousy? Nah. Any kind of affection? Not in the slightest.
I know it must sound weird, whiny and unrealistic (boo-hoo, claiming to be unemotional, yet crying into your journal), but I don't remember when was the last time I cried, with it not being caused by the physical pain, but because I felt something for someone or because of someone. There were a few times I wanted to cry, but nothing came out. Fuck, even when I attended a funeral a month ago, seeing all those people crying and one of my best friends breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably in front of me made me feel just empty inside. Empathy? Yeah, of course, there was something, but not strong enough to show it, and I never was a good actress.
Some people say I'm stoic, my mom says it's not healthy to keep everything bottled up inside. Maybe. How the fuck am I supposed to do this? To let lose feelings that are not in there?...
But it's not that important, because as I said earlier, I did feel something tonight. I watched "Manchester By The Sea" and suddenly I was in tears, almost from the beginning of the movie. But it didn't feel like watching a movie at all. It felt as if I'm watching someone just going on with his life (with sorrowful flashbacks shown in between) and I couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen. How sad is that, that the most powerful feelings I've felt in more than a year was bought by some movie starring Casey Affleck???... No disrespect to Casey Affleck, he's a tremendously good actor, very talented, but that's not my point.
Ok, enough with all that crap. The longer I write this, the more I dislike myself for the weakness. Writing a journal always made me feel better and worse at the same time. Feels so good to let these things out of my chest, but at the same time cannot not to despise myself for this weakness...
Listening to: Adagio in G Minor - Albinoni
Reading: Jo Nesbø - The Redbreast
Watching: Manchester By The Sea
Eating: Sugar Coated Peanuts